I don’t always run downstairs to get my laptop in the middle of the night, tears streaming down my face. But when I do – its because my mind won’t stop racing.
I’ve gained insight on a lot of things recently. On how much social media can damage your health. On how one simple thing can send your life crashing down, and we give it the power to do so.
I don’t find myself swayed by the riptide of life at all times, but sometimes it tips me under – my steady surf suddenly in tremulous exile. My body tumbles in the bubbles, the thick fiberglass knocks me in the back of the head and I come up spitting, gritting and gasping for air, what the hell just happened?
Sometimes you realize that your purpose in a certain meeting is to provide whatever you can. All of yourself, always, until they are pulled from their dark water up to the light and can walk out onto the shoreline feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. That the amount of pain and distress they feel is something that must be jarred from them, lifted, pulled. That they aren’t ready to give you anything, but can only sit as you unwind the suffering from their emotionless bodies. That you can give them your tears, fears and angel hair – and Joni Mitchell will still sing at not knowing love at all. But they knew love, yet they couldn’t give it – not then. They must go out and open their wings again – and your beautiful little dance together was only that. One dance, for a short time, and it’s off to the next partner. One with different shoes, and different moves.
There are people that I have done that for, that I’ve laid down for. Not saying that I’m a saint, I always intended to continue to give them my all – but that the soul purpose of our connection was that, and only that. And it’s an acceptance that is hard, but necessary in knowing that without that meeting, and that experience, and those lessons – you wouldn’t be able to love the way you can now, and neither could they. It happened recently, and for some reason – I feel drained, as if it were one too many. I’m not sad, I’m not depressed, I’m not unwilling to love my life and appreciate every bit of each breath I take. But I feel drained.
I still work towards my career, and spend countless hours reading and writing, studying, planning. I’m excited, thrilled. But it’s all I do, and I wonder if I’m now in need of what I’ve been called upon to do before for other people. I don’t want that. I don’t want to allow for another, who gives me everything they have, who makes me feel the greatest love for myself and others than I’ve ever felt, to have to be swallowed up by an empty hole. Not than I’m empty.
I’m just conflicted. I thought I had something real, and yet – I don’t know. I’ve never been left feeling so uncompleted in a spontaneous meeting, so confused, so unsure of what would or will become of it or anything.
I don’t have time for a relationship. I don’t want a relationship. I can’t handle that right now. I’ve been volcanic lately, unstable, hot and cold, active, inactive. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I can’t decide if that’s a bad sign.
I just wish for light in the dark, that isn’t really dark. I am grateful for the insight I received a month ago. I was pulled out of the dark, and set gently back in the grey area – not quite in the light. I was lost and somehow my footing came back to me, I believed in mascara for a little while, I believed in extreme socializing, and that things are worth it for an individual that seems different. I believed in what I felt. I believed in things happening for a reason, that nothing is coincidence. It was all beautiful, and still is – I still regard it in that way.
And maybe there are people that masquerade this planet as angels, simply greeting you with short, small, whimsical moments that give you hope for another glimpse of that real thing. That was real. It wasn’t imaginary, you didn’t dream it – it was real. I am grateful for the things I’ve learned out of this wingless thing that brought so much back for me when I was completely in the shadow.
There has been so much negativity surrounding everything lately. Like a haze, or a fog. I have begun to ignore this, as I can’t handle it anymore. I have spent countless days wondering what the significance is of saying negative things to others. Everyone protects their own reality, in an attempt to protect themselves – sure – but why propose that this reality has to be everyone’s reality? Why can’t there be more acceptance in things. I have cried my accepting tears of things never turning out the way I wished and hoped they would from my beautiful, memorable, brief brush with something real and true. And now? I can’t wish for hateful things on that person. That isn’t fair. That isn’t just. That isn’t worth it. If we were scarred with all the words that we have ever said, I don’t want to relive the ones I already regret – nor do I want to instill more hatred for a person that doesn’t deserve hate. That came into my life to pull suffering from me, and leave me before I relied on the high. I wanted more, but that wasn’t the hand that I was dealt and I have to accept that.
I can’t wish bad things on someone who taught me to be happy, and showed me what a genuine smile looked like, even though I may feel neglected now. This will fade and I will be left to reminisce with the good things, as all memories tend to allow. A wonderful soul once said to me, “If you take everything at face value, you can never be wrong. If they go back on their word, it lies with them – as you trusted them as anyone should trust another.” And beautiful words those are. I trusted, and I believed, and now I am left with my trust – and that’s ok.
I cannot defend someone that may be angry with me. That has left my field due to my silent response to negativity on something that I saw as a great positive in my life, as a step forward. A step in the right direction. I am sorry for my silence, but I refuse to allow it in my life any longer. I can’t put it anywhere. With the things I intend to do with my life, I need support. I need love. And I believe that I have lived through enough experiences that have questioned my idea of love, to deserve that love. As you may doubt me, due to a personal and self proclaimed reality, don’t allow those thoughts to enter my path – for I don’t doubt myself, or what I wish to do with my life. I can’t listen to those thoughts, because I can only fit positive thoughts within my head.
To love lost, self love gained, to all things beautiful and real, to midnight tears, and morning coffee. To rekindling, and new memories. To the one that pulled me out of my nightmare. To the positive ones, and loving ones. Allow yourself to be free of hate even when it may be all you have left to feel. Replace it with understanding, acceptance. Cry it out, let it free from within you – and then let it go. It’s the only way we can make room for those that wish to be a part of this beautiful journey with us. I love you.