If you’ve read other posts of mine on here, you know that I have been a little lost in my footing with what I really want to do and where I want to go. What my next step on this little path I’m on should be. Well, I’ve recently figured it out. And I don’t know if this is just me spontaneously wanting to go, or if the time is right, or if the chance of meeting such an amazing person who is soon to make his own home there as well was simply destiny working its magic. I really cant put my finger on which it is. Shit, maybe I just finally know what I want and it took a smack in the face to say to myself, “Oh yeah, I want to do that”. Well I have some news –
Next year, after I graduate and save a little up in the summer, I’m moving to New York. I will probably end up living with 6 people in a one bedroom apartment, and I’ll be broke for a little while, and I probably will hate the cold – but I’m going to have a new adventure. I’m going to have experiences, and get to know people, and live the grimy life of a city dweller for some years. I plan on working at the Bronx Zoo with the Western Lowland Gorillas, doing Psychoneuroimmunology – a study of the mind and body and the effects that stress have on the two. I also am hoping to start writing more, doing conservation journalism, and environmental awareness. Possibly even traveling to do research on the effects of stress in the wild versus stress in captive areas in primates. PTSD, Social Anxiety, Attachment Disorder, and other things relative to that.
I’m still determining how to get my foot in the door, and I think really it just comes down to writing. Trying to get things published, and trying to get funding now to do a few things research wise here in Salt Lake City. I haven’t quite figured out how I will do that, but I’m working on figuring it all out. The idea of it all has just blossomed into something really beautiful, and I can’t wait to go and start doing things. Experiencing all there is to experience in the Big Apple.
Since the recent determination of my next step, I’ve had people – loving, caring people – who are telling me that I should think before I leap. And that I need to sit down and really give it a lot of thought. But the funny thing is – that’s just not who I am. And those of you who definitely know that about me, can laugh at the fact that yes, I also know that. I know that I act blind, and that I do things out of complete spontaneity – and isn’t that great? I fucking love that about myself. I can look back at all the times I was spontaneous and didn’t think something through and just laugh at the fact that I did that. And what is that called? An experience! An adventure! Something to look back on and say, “Yeah. I really DID that.” With no regrets, and no hard feelings.
When I decided, back in 2013, that I was going to move to Los Angeles – I just did it. Right then and there. I found a place in the middle of South Central and moved in. I hated every minute of it. Someone was stabbed on my front lawn, I would hear gunshots and helicopters at night, I was hit on by men with multiple tear drop tattoos crawling down their left and right cheeks. But look at where I am now. I may have not enjoyed LA, but I went out there and tried film acting. I got SAG/AFTRA eligibility in 3 months, I got to have run ins with celebrities that make for hilarious stories, I got to learn how to surf, and enjoy the beach, I got to go to Joshua Tree and camp in the desert – playing music to perfect strangers, I learned how to take care of myself away from the comfort of my parents house. I learned so much by being there for 1 year, and I hope to write a play about it some day. About my experiences there and what it taught me. About rags to never riches but 2 jobs, and how I came home to a flooded room on the one day that it rained in California after years of drought, and I stayed up all night with a hair dryer trying to make sure my new mattress wasn’t ruined. About my first earthquake at 3 in the morning, and I went running into the kitchen where my roommate just laughed at me and told me they happen all the time. I did that. And I don’t regret it one bit.
I’m going to do the same in New York. I will move there, and shit will happen, and I’ll have good days and bad days and days in between when I feel indifferent about the city. But then I’ll have days where I get to look at the Brooklyn Bridge, and I get to go to Times Square, and maybe even wait outside for an audition at 5 o’clock in the morning, and have coffee with the last bit of money I own – just because I feel like it. And hate the fact that I don’t have a washer and dryer and have to carry all my shit down the street with a stash of quarters that could have bought me something else. I’ll have nights with my friends Mikki, Aaron, and Amanda, and Devin. Merrin, and Andy. And other people I’ve yet to meet. And isn’t that the point?
Someone dear to me once told me, “It’s about the experiences that you make with others that makes life, life.” And it is so true. Yes I can say that things have happened to me on my own that I remember and cherish, but what memories do I really cherish? Thinking back on my favorite days, I have to say that they were spent surrounded by good, loving people. If I had to recreate one day on my death bed to relive – it would be spent surrounded by people that I love, having food and wine together. Laughing and telling stories, and just enjoying being completely vulnerable and in the moment together. No bullshit, no fronts, nothing but our true selves all wrapped up in a room, spending time together. Those moments can be had anywhere, and I’m following them to the city. I am ready to have countless nights of “oh shit rent is coming”. Or lets go explore, or lets cry it out over a bottle of wine that we can barely afford, or lets go out even though we live an hour outside the city and we will have to take the red eye train back home only to get up at 6 am to beat the crowd back in for work.
Doesn’t that all sound exciting? Doesn’t that sound like really living? Maybe one day I’ll have a house. Maybe some day I can settle down somewhere and never leave for years and years. Maybe I can eventually not pour my money into a black hole apartment that I will never see again. But I’m 26, and I don’t have any kids, and I don’t have much to keep me by the mountains, even though this place has been a wonderful place. I want to go explore something else now, enjoy something else now. Find more out about myself that maybe I still have yet to discover. I’m ready to try out a new skin for a while.
In one year, I’ll be off. Wish me luck. And send me money, I’m gonna need it.