Out Dated

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When did the world decide to starting treating dating and relationships like a joke? I don’t understand this. Am I just different? Do I think too differently? Am I the only one who dates one person at a time and treats them with respect? All of these people around me treat it like it’s just something to pass the time. Like it’s a hobby. “Oh yeah, I date in my spare time,” kind of deal. But when did this start…or has it always been this way and I’m just now noticing it?

I have always treated dating someone very seriously. Some people call it too intense. Some people say I need to just have fun or take it for what it is. But no, I won’t “just have fun” or “take it for what it is”. What is it supposed to be? Is fun just sex these days? That’s what “taking it for what it is” means? Someone who doesn’t like you but just wants to get laid? What a load of shit. No thank you. I take dating very seriously and here’s why. One of my biggest pet peeves is having my time wasted. So why would I waste someone else’s time that I may or may not sincerely appreciate in my life? I wouldn’t. So when I date someone, I am with them fully. No bullshit. No games. Nothing other than me appreciating the person that is spending their precious time with me, because time on this earth is very important and precious. I don’t expect that person to give me 100% of their time, as everyone has their own life and their own prospects. But when they spend some of their time with me, why would I repay them by treating them like shit and not respecting that fact? I wouldn’t.

That’s another thing. When did respect go out the window? I can only name 2 relationships of mine that genuinely respected me as a person. That actually treated me well and didn’t spit lies and deceit out of their mouth. Was I just daft and didn’t see it to begin with? Or did it change the minute the cat and mouse game was over? Either way it disintegrates with time and it shouldn’t. People stop respecting the ones that have feelings for them. Why has that become ok in this generation? I hear stories about a girl’s sex life gossiped between two coworkers during a shift. I hear girls flaunting the fact that they cheated on their significant others during the weekend. I hear stories about poor unsuspecting victims not knowing what’s happening outside their blinded eyes. I’ve been at the hands of this “disrespecting disease”. I know how it feels to be cheated. I remember the taste in my mouth the minute all the lies surfaced. I’ve cried through nights, I’ve shivered in shock. I know what being broken feels like. It’s like no one has heard the saying “treat others the way you want to be treated”. Maybe I was raised differently? I’m not entirely sure what it is. I just know that I have and will never disrespect someone like that. I will not cheat. I will not lie. I will not treat your time with anything but appreciation.

All I hear about is how normal “open” relationships are these days. Why is that so popular? Why is that ok? If someone wants to date you then they want to date you. If someone wants to date you and 3 other people then they don’t really care about you that much. No man or woman who wants to date multiple people really cares about you. Otherwise they would just date you and you alone. If I was with someone, dating someone, and I was attracted to another man, the person I’m with obviously isn’t for me…or else I would be happy with just dating that person. Why would you be ok with dating someone who’s unsure as to whether they want to be with you or with the 2 other people they took out last weekend? What? I’m confused. Maybe it’s a vicious circle. These people don’t respect themselves so they just accept the fact that the guy/girl they’re interested in isn’t completely into them? I don’t know. I don’t GET IT. Are there that many people that respect themselves so little that this open relationship idea has come to be accepted now?

Another thing I don’t understand: constantly going from one person to another. Why is everyone so obsessed with relationship hopping? If someone hurt you, take a BREAK. That’s what I did. For a year. And then some. I got hurt. I was betrayed, and it was emotionally and physically painful. I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything. And I knew I wasn’t ready to be with anyone at all. So I wasn’t with anyone. I was single for a long time. I healed first. I took a break. And now I’m seeing others jump around before they can heal and then get confused when it doesn’t work out. Because you don’t even know who you are right now. You’re lost. You have unraveled. You’ve spiraled out of control and all the things you think you liked you don’t know if you do anymore, and all the feelings you feel are jaded and confused. You don’t know you. And you have to find you before you can include her or him with you. It all keeps coming back to respect. Have the respect for yourself to get to know you again. Take the time to make yourself happy again. And happy on your own. Not happy with someone else. No one can grant you happiness. Only you have the power to do so.

Maybe I’m just not built to date in this modern world with texting and Tinder. I hate all of it. I wish it was much more simple. I wish it was one person dating one person and it wasn’t all about sex. I wish there was more to it than that. I wish that people respected others and didn’t give them bullshit stories, or string them along just for fun. Or even let people go when they need to be let go. Let people heal. Let people be happy. I wish people respected themselves more and didn’t put up with so much shit. That way these self-centered and conceited people could see that if they keep up their bad work they aren’t going to get what they’re after. I may not find anybody, and that’s ok, because at least I won’t put up with someone telling me they can’t commit to just me or that they’re dating someone else but still feel close to me or that they expect me to wait for them to figure their shit out and then I’ll be lucky enough to have them. Forget that.

I am worth more. I don’t want to be someone’s second choice. I don’t want to be told I should do this and do that because then I can have him. He should feel lucky to have me. I am something to be cherished. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be loved the first time. Not after this, after that, now I can love you, wait now I can love you, now I’m ready, now I can be better, now give me a chance. No. The first time. No mess ups. No “I took it for granted”. I should be treated well from the beginning. I think that’s safe and fair to ask for. Don’t you? Don’t you want to be the one someone fawns over? Falls head over heels over? I do. And I don’t want to settle for something that isn’t that. So yeah, I’m completely out dated when it comes to being dated. But I don’t care. I will wait to be out dated by all the previous times I’ve been dated. Someone will out date the others and then it won’t matter anymore. But until then, I’m not going to deal with all of this “open relationship”, “third chance”, “fourth chance”, “I should have been better”, “I’ll do it right this time”. Do it right, right now. Because I shouldn’t have to ask for more, and love is not something that should have to be done over and over again to get it right. Just get it right. And be out dated with me. No more disrespect. No more multiple men/women in your queue. Respect yourself. Get respect. Be. Out. Dated.

-C

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Autumn

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There’s nothing I love more than fall. The leaves that crinkle and transform into vibrant colors of yellow, orange, and red, the crisp air, the light breezes, the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin, the chance to bundle up. There’s nothing better to me.

It’s like I get rejuvenated during this time of year. I wait for this moment to come back around and I’m a bit of a bummer before Autumn and then I pop back into life and really want to be out in the chilly atmosphere. It makes me so happy, beyond happy. This is the time of year when nothing can dampen my mood. When I get that crazy outdoor itch that makes me want to go get lost in some aspen trees. That makes me want to decorate the house in gourds and spider webs. That makes me want to buy giant scarves to wrap around myself.

I’m not sure when this obsession of fall came to be. Growing up every kid loves the summer, and I was no exception to this. Summer is when you don’t have to deal with school anymore, and the family gets to take a vacation together somewhere new. You get to have tan skin (mine was mostly burned) and go swimming, eat watermelon, watch fireworks. You get to just relax and enjoy things. I loved summer growing up, and yes, of course that was my ultimate favorite.

Then I started going to college in the quaint little town of Tahlequah. Fall is absolutely beautiful there. Not only do you get the wonderful backdrop of that “Old Town” vibe with rusted doors and broken brick, but you have the campus that can’t deny it’s staggering beauty. You have the babbling river. You have the benefit of cliffs and forests around you, and when those leaves start changing color it brings life to the town. There was nothing better than walking down the street with a cup of hot chocolate, bundled in jackets and scarves, listening to live music at the fall art show. I miss the times when that was available to me. I miss walking along the campus with leaves everywhere. I suppose it gave me the “Salem” feel. Red brick and white wood, black window frames and yellow leaves. It gave me the feeling of Hocus Pocus, and that’s my favorite feeling.

I’ve always loved Halloween. Even now I plan for it every year. It’s the only holiday I really want to decorate for. My parents got me into this. When I lived in Texas as a little girl the neighborhood was so decorated for Halloween. We, of course, were the house no one wanted to walk up to because it was “so decorated”. There were tomb stones in the front yard, skeletons hanging from the trees, music from the garage, lights in the windows with ghosts floating behind them, and my mother sitting in a rocking chair in her witch costume awaiting the children to come up for treats. It was so much fun getting ready for that. I still love it. Even though now there are no “trick or treat”ers, just binge drinking parties. No one wants to decorate, no one wants to put thought into their costume. It’s become a skank fest. It makes me so sad! Even carving pumpkins has become a bust! And that, my sweet souls, is the best smell in the entire world. My absolute favorite smell is none other than the scent of burning jack-o-lanterns on all hallows eve.

Living in Utah also had its perks during the fall season. It was the time my family took drives in the mountains. Going up to Sundance for brunch and their annual art show. Or walking around Park City to all the interesting shops there. Or the Oktoberfest up at Snowbird Ski Resort where there’s music, beer, rock climbing, vendors galore and their infamous “Alpine Slide”. This is the time of year my family really got out to do things. Because the weather was so nice, because the leaves were so pretty, because all the mountain resorts were preparing to open for the winter season. I always get this funny nostalgic feeling during this time. It reminds me of my mother’s friend Jeanette that used to come visit us and do crafts in the kitchen all day. It reminds me of Bear Creek Chicken Noodle Soup. It gives me this interesting fuzzy feeling that I can’t help but ignore, and can’t help but love. Maybe it’s the bit of childhood that I always seem to have significant detailed memories with. I don’t know what it is. All I know is I love this feeling so much and it visits me every year during this time.

My family is coming to visit next week, and I can guarantee we’ll do all the things I loved most about fall and it makes me burst with excitement. For some reason it’s not the same without the whole family together. And we haven’t been together, in Utah, during fall in 6 years. I can’t wait to reminisce with all the lovely memories that used to be traditions of my family when we all lived here in Salt Lake City, together. I’m lucky to have such wonderful memories with my family. And we are lucky to have this chance to make new ones with the old traditions of our.

Fall, you are wonderful and I hope you stay a while. And dear readers, prepare for picture overload in the next week as I’ll be up in the mountains taking millions of pictures of Aspens and Pines. Cheers with a mug of cocoa to the next month ahead of us. And to the leaves and pumpkins and early sunsets.

-C